Podcast Ep 204: Let’s Talk About Family Estrangement

By: NATALIE

This week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions is on a subject I’ve been thinking about for a while: estrangement. 2020 has tested our relationships and routine, thanks to the pandemic. And now it’s that time of year when a lot of people experience anxiety, stress and loneliness about family, I felt it was a good time to get into this topic. Estrangement has affected me for my entire life. There’s a pattern of estrangement of both sides of my family, and my parents (individually) have cut me off at different times. Family’ was a great source of shame for me in the past. It directly impacted the types of romantic relationship I chose. Now, I don’t carry that shame and believe that it’s critical to talk about our relationship with the concept of family.

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Nuggets from the episode

• Everybody has a picture of what family is or what we feel it ‘should’ be. It’s influenced by our own experiences, observing others, society, the media, our favourite TV shows, or even other families we were compared to.
• Estrangement is caused by roles. It’s either because estrangement is part of playing the role, triggered by us or the other party not playing the role, or a way of punishing us or them for not playing the role.
• We are in community. Much as we might feel that we’re a-ok because our family relationships are ‘great’, we have friends, partners, coworkers, etc., who might be struggling. Given that in adulthood, we choose our family, we might be someone’s chosen person. Even a bit of empathy and compassion about estrangement, especially given 1) the pandemic and 2) this time of year which triggers anxiety, shame and loneliness for a lot of people, could go a long way.
• ‘Family’ say all sorts of things that contribute to what can be our confusing and painful associations and relationship with family. Examples: Do as I say, not as I do. What will the neighbours think? Family can do whatever the hell they like. Family should stick together even if it’s toxic. I don’t have any favourites, but yeah, I treat your sibling differently to you. I expect more of you. You won’t amount to anything. It hurts me [to beat you] more than it hurts you. After everything I’ve done for you and you can’t even do this little thing for me. What are you talking about feelings and needs for? When I was your age, I didn’t have shoes.
• While sometimes estrangement occurs off the back of a fallout, hostility, a showdown or abusive or inappropriate behaviour, sometimes you’re just exhausted. You just can’t keep doing what you’ve been doing.
• Sometimes a person distances because they don’t feel as if they ‘fit in’ when you’re in a healthier place.

A pattern of estrangement occurs in a family when there’s a pattern of not communicating and toxic habits around handling conflict and criticism.

• A family that doesn’t know how to problem-solve and typically closes rank, gets loud or cuts off is guaranteed to have estranged family members.
• It’s easy to go, Well, it’s two or however many family members versus me, so I must be the problem. No, the problem is the dynamic of the relationships, the patterns of dealing or not dealing with conflict. If you have two or however many people who don’t have boundaries, they will do what essentially boils down to similar things even if the packaging of the situation differs.
• Family is a construct representing our emotional perception of a series of connections. It’s an ideological construct because it’s subjective. Our views on our families are all unique because they represent our met and unmet needs, as well as our expectations and desires. 
• We each have our ideas about who we think people should be. We take things a lot less personally when we acknowledge that who people are is based on their personalty, characteristics, circumstances, resources, level of abundance and backstory.

Some of us have The Other Mother. You don’t see her in Google searches or Hallmark cards. The Other Mother isn’t into nurturing and might treat you like their competitor, enemy, sibling, parent or pal. They’ll cross the hell out of your boundaries and look at you like you’re crazy for being upset.

• Playing roles or trying to enforce them is the source of tension, friction and resentment in all relationships. We have to engage with people where they’re at, not based on our fantasy version of them. Continuing to try to get them to meet our unmet needs in covert ways leads to perpetual disappointment.
• Estrangement is not a way of saying ‘I don’t believe that you can change’; it says ‘I believe there’s a possibility for change here, but how things are and have been isn’t working’.
• Is there room for me to be more of who I really am and also continue to engage with this family member as we have been?If the answer’s no, we are well within our rights to create the boundaries we need to make us possible.

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Source: https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/podcast-ep-204-lets-talk-about-estrangement/

The article is owned by NATALIE. Visit site here for other interesting topics about marriage, love and relationship.

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What I learned about successful dating from being an actress

By: Hannah Grace

The acting life can easily become all-consuming. Emotions flying everywhere – nerves before auditions and shows, not knowing if I’ll get the job or not, excitement on opening night, heartbreak when I’ve worked so hard for a job and then find out someone else got it! Having performed in shows like ‘The Phantom of the Opera’ on the London stage and ‘Mary Poppins’ internationally, I know it’s a rollercoaster, unpredictable, a whirlwind, and a joy.

Hannah Grace as Carlotta in Phantom of the Opera

Our jobs can become so much a part of who we are that sometimes it’s hard to leave our work persona behind us on dates. Other times, elements of our jobs can really help and we can use our work expertise in situations such as dating. Perhaps you are a teacher and can bring out the best in people, or perhaps your job requires you to make calculated decisions which helps you to know whether a relationship is worth pursuing.

It’s also important to know where to draw the line with work. Perhaps you have a high flying job and interview a lot of people – you need to make sure you relax and not interrogate your date! For me, I kept my acting career low key on my online dating profile until people got to know me. Either people were put off by the unsociable hours and the lifestyle or they were stage struck by the apparent glamour of an actor’s life. The practicalities of being an actress sometimes hindered relationships which is why I wanted people to know me for who I am. The acting profession can appear ‘glamorous’ and I didn’t want that to be an ‘idol’ in a relationship.

The important thing to remember is that your identity should be in Christ. You are a Christian first and foremost, not an actor, a plumber, a banker or a concierge. That comes secondary to Christ. “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold all things have become new.” (2 Corinthians 5:17).

Hannah in costume for Mary Poppins

For me, there were many parts of my career that I could use in the dating environment. Here are three key things anyone can learn from:

Dealing with nerves – The nerves we get from dating can do strange things to us – we can freeze or babble in our conversations. Thankfully I work with my nerves every single day from performing on stage. Many times I’ve gone on mid-show for a role that I’ve not done before, or as an understudy, I could go for months without doing the role, only to be told I’m on at a moment’s notice. With live theatre, anything can happen, (and it does!) the nerves never disappear but you have to find a way to cope to keep them under control. Thankfully experience with dealing with nerves, helped me to channel them in the right direction (most of the time!) with dates.

Hannah Grace getting ready for Phantom of the Opera

Putting myself out there – With the competition in my job, I’m used to having to network and make sure I’m outgoing in my personality in order to make a good impression and be remembered. I tried to build relationships during press night parties of shows, by showing a genuine interest in people rather than treating them as a target to obtain a selfish end. Giving someone your full attention without agenda also helped in dates, by fully listening, giving eye contact and hopefully putting people at ease.

Making a good first impression – With auditions, the casting panel have made up their minds about you within the first few seconds. A judgement is made on whether you suit the part through how you look, act and conduct yourself. A good first impression is vital and part of this includes presentation and confidence which I incorporated into my dating life. I took time working out what to wear, how I looked, how I would introduce and present myself and how I wanted to come across. Entering a date with confidence (even if you don’t feel it!) without being arrogant was something I learnt from my auditions. Prayer before each audition and subsequently before each date helped me to put my confidence in God and not in my own strength.

A work/life balance is important but sometimes you can choose certain qualities from your work to help you gain confidence in dating. “Whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ.” (Colossians 3: 23-24.)

About Hannah Grace

Hannah Grace is an actress and singer who has performed in shows such as ‘The Phantom of the Opera’ on the London stage and 'Mary Poppins' internationally. She is a part of ‘West End Has Faith’ which brings Christian performers together. She met her husband on Christian Connection and is passionate about helping Christians, especially in new relationships, and is currently writing a book on the first year of marriage. Follow her on Twitter: @HannahGrace1008 or Instagram: hannahgrace1008.

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Source: https://www.christianconnection.com/dating-advice/learned-successful-dating-actress/

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Top Dating Tips to Secure a Second Date!

By: Gina Yannotta

Do you go out on lots of first dates but rarely meet the same person for a second date? Lack of chemistry could be to blame but it’s also possible that you may be making some dating mistakes that you’ve never even thought about. These bad habits could unfortunately be the reason that your first dates never develop into something more. The good news is they are easy to fix. Follow these top dating tips and you’ll be sure to increase your chances of getting a second (and maybe even a third) date with that special someone!

Don’t let the first date become an interview

When we get nervous it can be easy to fall into the trap of grilling our first date with a million questions. While it’s great to take an interest in someone to get to know them– don’t just fire off a dozen questions, it makes the other person feel like they are being interviews and puts them under pressure. It’s better to ask a handful of questions and really take the time to actively listen to the answers. Active listening is hard to do when we are nervous, but it’s better to slow the questions down and really enjoy hearing the answers.

Don’t drink too much to calm your nerves

While having a drink (or two max!) can be a good idea to steady the nerves and relax you a little before a first date, this is not the time to re-live your college days and start binge drinking on your date. Alcohol causes disinhibition which means that you are more likely to overshare and reveal too much or say something you’ll regret in the morning. Alcohol also affects our memory, making it harder to remember what has been said and no one wants to look like the fool on the second date (if you clinch one!) asking the same questions again!

Click here for another interesting article on how to be the best date you can be when you meet someone for the first time.

Don’t just talk about work

Work can definitely be an easy topic to get the date off the ground with but this is not the time to start telling your first date every single detail of your working schedule (unless of course they are genuinely fascinated) nor is this the time to walk your date through every promotion you had. Sure it’s attractive to hear that someone loves their job and is passionate about it but hearing the ins and outs of their latest raise may sound like bragging. The ideal balance is to sound passionate and enthusiastic about work but remember that once you said your bit it’s time to ask your date something about themselves.

Don’t overshare on your first date

Being open and authentic on your first date with someone is important but carefully consider an appropriate amount of disclosure about your personal life- especially your dating history- on the first date. Do they need to know the saga of your terrible cheating ex-partner, or is that story something that could wait until you know someone better?  This doesn’t mean that you need to lie or conceal the truth but it is more about staggering how much you reveal at once. This can also help reduce the feeling of an ‘overshare hangover’ with someone the next day- if you pour your heart and never hear back this can leave you feeling exposed and vulnerable.

Give people a chance

In the modern world of dating where there are hundreds of apps (and therefore dating options) at our disposal, it is easy to dismiss potential matches very quickly based on tiny misdemeanors. Try not to discard people too easily, give them a chance, see if they can redeem themselves, and remember there is a lot that gets lost in translation over texting. Ask yourself if it’s possible that there has been a misunderstanding and try and give people the benefit of the doubt until you know them better.

We know dating can be challenging but we’re here to help! Get in touch with us today and see how Maclynn International can guide you through the dating experience!

by Gina Yannotta

Chief Operating Officer, New York City.

Gina Yannotta is Head Matchmaker & Chief Operating Officer at Maclynn International's New York office. Gina’s unyielding passion for the field, in combination with her extensive experience in matchmaking, has allowed her to orchestrate successful and everlasting relationships amongst her clients. Tasked with running the Manhattan office, Gina utilizes her interpersonal skills and relationship expertise to make a splash in the matchmaking pool, personally connecting her clients with their ultimate match while simultaneously taking advantage of the endless possibilities that NYC offers to its client-base.More by this author

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Source: https://maclynninternational.us/blog/top-dating-tips-to-secure-a-second-date/

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Celebrating 10 Years of Awesome Marriage - Part 2

By: Kim Kimberling

The origins of Awesome Marriage, plus marriage testimonials from you, our AM tribe!

Before Awesome Marriage, I taught a nine-week prep for marriage course at a local church three times a year. Nancy always said I was a better husband when I was teaching. She even  tried to get me to teach year round! Actually, there was a lot of truth in her words.

Since launching Awesome Marriage in 2010, I think I am a better husband. I work on it more and God has taught me so many amazing things. It’s interesting that as crazy as 2020 has been, over all the 50 years of our marriage, this may have been our best year yet. We have used the extra time together in really good ways and are more connected than ever.  

Last week I introduced you to our Awesome Marriage Team. This week I want you to meet the four men that were in the marriage “think tank” with me as God birthed Awesome Marriage: Pastor Robert Davis, Brandon Donaldson, Tony Seward, and Pastor Daniel DeMoss. Each played such an important role in the early years of this ministry. I am forever indebted to each of them. They are the Mount Rushmore of Awesome Marriage.

We get so many encouraging stories of how God has used Awesome Marriage in lives and relationships. Here are a couple:

• “Awesome Marriage ministry has literally saved our marriage. The podcasts were so helpful by hearing others’ stories. It gave us encouragement through some dark times. We just celebrated our anniversary and instead of going out we did the Welcome to Paradise Date Night and it was the most memorable anniversary ever! I pray for you guys and for being willing to be open and honest about the real struggles in marriage and in our faith walk. Please, keep up the good work.”

• “Thank you. Our marriage is at a whole new level of greatness with the Godly advice that the podcast provides!”

• “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am SO glad I found you via an online Bible study. Even my not-yet-saved spouse listens and appreciates Dr. Kim...which is fantastic!!” 

• “I read Dr. Kim's awesome marriage 1 Thing everyday without fail. I forward them to all of my single and married friends. I love the emails!”

• “Thank you, it's because of one of your Bible apps that I didn't divorce my husband. You saved our marriage! Thank you!”

With the help of our amazing team and countless supporters that give generously and pray faithfully for us, here are some of the things we have been able to do together.

We launched One Thing To Grow Your Marriage Each Day where Dr. Kim gives couples one practical thing they can do each day to strengthen their marriage. We currently have over 125,000 people subscribed to our One Thing content. We frequently receive feedback and inspiring testimonies of how God is using this content to help marriages all over the world!

We have dozens and dozens of resources to help couples continue to strengthen their marriage. Including unity building resources, creative questions to ask your spouse, prayer resources, date designs, and much much more! 

We have real tangible help for those whose marriage is on the brink of divorce. Over 5,000 people have downloaded the 10 Things To Do Before You Get A Divorce resource. That means this resource has been put in the hands of 5,000 couples whose marriages are struggling. God is saving marriages and we are so blessed to be a part of that! Even greater than couples downloading this resource is that we are able to follow up with every single one of these couples. We are so grateful that they have reached out for this resource before getting a divorce.

We have launched an Online Affair Recovery Course to help couples reconcile and build their marriage better than new! This brand new resource is doing amazing work and the stories of reconciliation are already starting to come in. 

We have partnered with YouVersion to create resources to help couples read God’s Word together. We now have over 50 published YouVersion Bible Reading Plans and over 1.5 MILLION plan completions. Many couples share with us that these plans help to encourage and equip their marriage.

We launched a podcast to reach couples with relatable marriage content each week. The Awesome Marriage Podcast has had over 1.8 MILLION downloads since we launched it 4 years ago. Couples tell us all the time how these podcasts help their marriage; giving them great things to discuss and work on in their marriage. 

We are reaching couples whose primary language is Spanish. We now have all these resources in Spanish: One Thing To Grow Your Marriage Each Day, Dr. Kim’s blog, several Bible Reading Plans, and marriage resources. 

We are helping couples prepare well for marriage with our premarital resources. Hundreds of couples have walked through Dr. Kim’s Online Prep For Marriage Course. We also have a One Thing For Engaged Couples, and several other premarital resources for couples to invest in preparing for marriage. 

We are helping churches equip and serve their married couples. Our partnership with Open Network gives Marriage Bible Studies to churches for free as well as equipping resources to train up Marriage Mentors and other marriage resources. These resources have been downloaded over 30,000 times by over 2,000 different churches. 

In addition to these other resources, we have been able to send hope and practical marriage help to couples worldwide through social media. This avenue has allowed us to give encouragement, resources and Bible verses that are specific to certain marital needs and struggles.

Thank you to a God that leads us, my wife Nancy who completes my awesome marriage, and to all of you, who are truly a part of our tribe. I invite you to celebrate with us!

Source: https://awesomemarriage.com/blog/celebrating-10-years-of-awesome-marriage-part-2

The article is owned by Kim Kimberling. Visit site here for other interesting topics about marriage, love and relationship.

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If you are in a bad place ask yourself the following

By: Linden Porter

Which emotion is running you?

Today I want to give you some pointers which could well be affecting your relationship.

You see when we feel we aren’t getting what we want from our relationship, and by this, I mean a relationship which has been successful in the past, then our emotions can run riot and confuse us.  A feeling of loss and not knowing what to do can leave us feeling stuck or numb.

Negative, unhelpful, emotions can take over and ‘rule’ your actions.

Fear

Fear:

• that the future is going the be the same as today – or worse.
• that the relationship is wrong and so to leave it is the only option.
• that leaving is the wrong thing to do too.  What if you leave the relationship only to find that the next relationship fails in almost the same way.

All of this can feel very scary.  It takes a person away from who they really are.  It pushes them into a place where they start to behave contrary to their values and beliefs.

Failure

Failure:

• I’m not enough and so should not be heard or loved
• Whatever I do will be wrong
• It’s all my fault

There are many more negative emotions which can keep people stuck, defensive and withdrawn to a place where the person is protecting themselves from the world around them.  If this includes your partner – and your partner is doing it too – then the relationship is in a very precarious place.

So how about Courage?

Well, courage can feel scary too.

However, Courage can motivate a person to find out what is really wrong in the relationship. It can motivate a person to take action to learn about their partner and understand how they ‘tick’.  Courage can motivate a person to get help to improve their emotional state and their relationship.

So when I talk about Fear, Failure and Courage I’m asking you to consider these options and decide for yourself which state you’re living in.  Fear can be emotionally exhausting as frequently it doesn’t lead to action.   Failure leaves you stuck without hope.

Motivate yourself to have the courage to change your emotions and the stories in your mind and you have the opportunity to discover what could be rather than what you believe actually is.

If you feed your mind the desire to find out and to take action then the courage to do so is also there.  With that, the fear of inaction will recede.

Relationships so often fail for the wrong reasons. Don’t let that happen to yours.  Sometimes courage is all it takes not only to put it back on track but elevate it to something even better.

I see so many couples who have become lost in their relationship through misinterpreting each other’s actions and from fear of not being enough for each other.  Learning and understanding what is really happening within your relationship and why, may take courage but courage gives them enlightenment and knowledge. Courage gives these couples the answers they’ve been looking for.

Let it be courage which runs you rather than fear.

If you would like to know more then please get in contact.

Source: https://lindenporter.co.uk/if-you-are-in-a-bad-place-ask-yourself-the-following/

The article is owned by Linden Porter. Visit site here for other interesting topics about marriage, love and relationship.

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