Sometimes we take things too personally, internalising them in such a negative way that it affects how we think and feel about us, as well as our subsequent actions. In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I talk about why we do it, and how to start breaking the habit.
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Nuggets from the episode
- There are times when people say or do things where we need to take it personally. Doing so helps us to create boundaries and take care of us. What we don’t need to do is take things so personally that we now feel responsible for that person’s feelings and behaviour, and feel as if we have to people-please and be perfect.
- When we feel so wounded by something or someone that we internalise it, and so take it personally, it represents some form of suppression. Maybe hidden anger, dislike, or resentment. Maybe pretending to be something we’re not
- Playing roles leads to taking things personally. We do it because of what we think we will get (attention, affection, approval, love or validation) or to avoid conflict, criticism, stress, disappointment, loss or rejection. Roles suppress our needs, desires, expectations, feelings and opinions. We try to be The Good Employee/Friend/Partner/Son/Daughter, etc. When people don’t respond in the way that we felt that playing these roles would elicit, it feels personal.
In situations where take things personally, we have a transactional mentality. We might have exchanged our autonomy, wellbeing, authenticity or boundaries for their compliance or a reward.
- If we recognise that our baggage is showing up in situations where we take things a little or a lot too personally, we get to understand why. We get to take things less personally, and so we get to heal, grown and learn.
- Sometimes what we take personally is that what’s happened doesn’t reflect our idealised self. I didn’t think I was the kind of person who knew someone like this. I don’t see myself as someone who would elicit this kind of response from someone in a conflict situation so…
We’re human and we are going to take things personally. But we don’t have to take it that personally that we internalise it negatively.
- It’s critical for us to get honest about why we’re taking something that personally? What are we getting out of taking it to that level? What’s the benefit of telling the story in that way? Are we making ourselves special, albeit negatively?
- Each time we brood on something we’ve taken personally, the beliefs and expectations need to be examined.
- e.g. If I give someone constructive criticism or assert my boundaries in what I feel is the equivalent of asking nicely, they should respond well.
- If they don’t respond well, it’s because they take personal issue with me.
- So if they take personal issue with me, it’s because they don’t think I’m worthy of respect or that my opinion or what I contribute is of value.
- If they don’t think I’m worthy of respect or that my opinion or what I contribute is of value, it’s because they don’t think I’m good enough.
- If they think I’m not good enough, maybe it’s because I’m not.
- What we personalise about others often points to how we feel about us.
- It’s possible for us to take something personally, to be offended, to recognise that someone has mistreated us or flat-out abused us without internalising it.
- Jumping to conclusions that result in us personalising things points to our bias. If you tend to blame undesirable outcomes and other people’s feelings and behaviour on you not being ‘good enough’, you are biased towards, not just finding fault, but making you at fault.
Do take responsibility for your narrative, but don’t take responsibility for other people’s feelings and behaviour.
- Count your stresses. Sometimes we take things super personally because we are overwhelmed by our existing and mounting stresses. This can be a sign that we’re way over our bandwidth and in need of self-care, including self-compassion.
- If you’ve defined you as a ‘sensitive person’, what’s the baggage behind it? It’s more than OK to be sensitive, but acknowledging the baggage will ensure that you don’t create unnecessary suffering for yourself.
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Source: https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/podcast-ep-196-taking-things-too-personally/
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