So many people I see are not in control of their emotional responses. They react to an event because they have created an automatic response to it. They don’t know how to find out the truth. The truth of why they behave the way they do or why their partner is behaving the way they are. In the case of their partner – what is their true intent?
Because they don’t know they create a ‘story’ to validate their emotional response.
So when their partner gets cross, frustrated or angry they defend or escalate the issue by getting angry as well. Or they walk away.
This can easily escalate as both become more emotional in their responses to each other. In many cases, they learn to bicker or stonewall.
So how do you find out if you are holding on to an outdated emotional response and if so how do you change it?
A great deal of the work I do with couples is helping them see and understand what they are doing to themselves by holding on to an emotional response which is not serving them in the here and now, and then how to replace it with one which will allow them to grow.
Your Partner’s True Intent
It is vital to learn how to find out the truth of what their partner has said or done from their partner’s point of view – ie their true intent.
You see we each have our own way of expressing ourselves, but what we say may not be interpreted the way we mean. What is needed here is for both of you to become curious and keen to learn – rather than assume you know. If what your partner has said has been interpreted by you in a negative way then before you react negatively become the detective and find out more. Start by:
Always assume your partner’s intent is NOT to hurt you
This applies all the time – even when they are angry or frustrated. This is the time not to criticise or defend. This is the time to give emotional support and to listen to learn. To take a step up from focusing on yourself to focusing on them at that moment and how you can become the solution rather than the problem.
Relationships collapse and die when people focus on themselves most of the time. This binds them to very few solutions and usually leaves them feeling stuck.
Relationships grow when each partner learns how to master their ‘knee-jerk’ emotional response and each becomes a kind benevolent ‘detective’. By becoming curious you give each of you more choices and you form a partnership which is there for both of you.
If you would like to learn how then get in contact. It’s not as difficult as you may think.
Source: https://lindenporter.co.uk/do-you-know-your-partners-true-intent/
The article is owned by Linden Porter. Visit site here for other interesting topics about marriage, love and relationship.
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