First of all, I want you to cast your mind back to when you first met your partner. Life was good then! You loved being together and, the chances are, you were both doing all you could for each other.
You were also, in all likelihood, firmly running a very good version of you.
However, over time various incidents happened. Life gets in the way. Work, family and other aspects of life interfere and how each of you reacted to these impacts will have had an effect on both of you.
If these issues are not dealt with in a constructive way then one or both of you will have ‘collected’ resentments. You will have changed your behaviours and are very likely now running a different version of you – defensive or controlling, cold or protective.
When couples finally seek my help they have frequently already built a stack of resentments against their partner.
They arrive in my sessions with their list of resentments which they have each created for themselves over the months and years.
These resentments have taken hold in their consciousness and now they are living a life they don’t like.
Stack resentments and your relationship will die
They have stopped being the people they were at the start of their relationship together. The people they were when they first met.
To survive they have also built a wall around themselves to protect them from what they perceive is now an unkind or hostile environment.
They change their focus away from the good and are now on the hunt for additional examples of the bad:
- Judgement
- Criticism
- Blame
- Lack of respect
- Lying
- …………… – the list is a long one
By the way, none of the above is going to bring the couple closer together.
No one has ever felt closer or more love for anyone who resorts to any of the above.
Build bad behaviours and your relationship will die
- No one feels a closer, warmer connection towards someone who criticises them.
- If you can’t trust your partner to tell you the truth and you catch them lying to you you will feel less respect and so less love.
When a couple comes to their first session with me my task is to understand what they are doing to each other. And for them to understand what they are doing to each other.
They discover the effect of their actions on their relationship and why they cannot resolve their issues using the same behaviours they used in the past.
If you do what you’ve always done you will get more of what you have always had.
Create new behaviours and your relationship has the opportunity to grow
Working with me the couple learns how to create new behaviours from a position of safety and understanding of who they are supposed to be. They learn how they can help each other feel safe. They learn how to create a secure connection and so discover how to become a team together. A team with a connection that cannot be broken – never mind what life throws at them in the future.
Not all relationships should survive
Some relationships are not meant to survive and it is not my job to keep couples together come what may.
It is my role to help you find the real truth. The truth behind your current resentments and behaviours.
So many couples are stunned to find they had a deep connection all along. They just didn’t have the tools to tap into it and so have created a lie which they had mistakenly thought to be the truth.
My advice to you is don’t walk away until you have discovered the real truth.
Source: https://lindenporter.co.uk/stacking-resentments-kills-a-relationship/
The article is owned by Linden Porter. Visit site here for other interesting topics about marriage, love and relationship.
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