When I first meet a couple in trouble, in their first session with me, I am frequently told by one or both that
“It’s all the his/her fault”
“I would never behave the way he/she has”
“I would never do what he/she did”
“He/she is never going to change so what’s the point”
“It’s their way or no way”
The problem with remaining in this place is there is very little possibility of resolving the issues. Their focus is on what is wrong. Their perception is that nothing will change so of course nothing does. They are each scared and fearful that what ever they do the result will be the same.
So nothing changes.
Fear is frequently the driver here. Fear can keep a person stuck.
For example:
“I am the victim and none of this was my fault”
“I am so hurt that I can’t think of anything else”
“He/she is wrong”
“I am not responsible for any of this”
All of the above have a fear element attached to them. Fear that you too had a part to play in the anguish. So often an individual will hold on to their own perception to keep themselves safe. This is very understandable but it leaves them stuck.
There is a way out:
Their focus has to change
What do I mean by that?
Their focus has to change to “How can I help us?”
So what do I do in my sessions?
Each couple is unique and their situation is unique so I don’t have a ‘one-size fits all’ programme.
My job is to help each of them as individuals understand the other at a deeper level. To understand that the presenting problems are frequently not the real problem. There is an underlying issue. An underlying misunderstanding and confusion.
Men and women operate and communicate very differently. Neither is wrong. What is needed is to understand you both have strengths which you can use together. To do this you both have to become who who are meant to be.
You are then in a position to learn about each other’s needs and how you can meet them. This in turn removes the fear of feeling under-valued. By learning and practising these steps we move towards discovering the truth from a position of safety and security.
Trust yourself to create your driver to change your perceptions
Trust can be rebuilt from here – no matter what has happened in the past. And I include affairs in this.
By developing your emotional muscles you release so many more opportunities for dealing with issues now and in the future. From here you can plan a future that’s right for you both.
The longer you leave it the bigger the challenge to move forwards together. Don’t let that be you.
Source: http://lindenporter.co.uk/create-your-driver-to-change/
The article is owned by Linden Porter. Visit site here for other interesting topics about marriage, love and relationship.
No comments:
Post a Comment