How Do I Stop Being a Pushover With Men?

By: Te-Erika Patterson

You are a nice person. You want to show love and give love to everyone you meet yet, when you meet certain men you feel as though your kindness is taken for a weakness because they don’t respect your wishes and when you ask for something directly, they don’t do it. You feel like a pushover and you’re tired of being that way. You want to be strong. You want your needs met. You want to be respected. But how do you stop being a pushover when it comes to men without changing who you are at your core?

I have dealt with this same issue and it stems from being a loving person and wanting everyone around me to be happy. When you are a happy and loving person, you want others to feel the same way when they are around you. Aside from wanting others to be happy, I always felt that whatever I needed I could give to myself so I didn’t require that others do it for me. I felt that placing the needs of others above my own meant that I was a good person but it backfired on me often when people began to assume that I would always give them their way and they ignored my needs.

This made me feel sad for myself. I wondered why I wasn’t stronger and why no one would offer me the same kindness and effort to meet my needs. After much internal analysis I came up with these revelations.

• Ensuring that my needs are met before I meet the needs of others doesn’t make me a bad person.
• I do not participate in this life experience to be a servant to others while ignoring my own desires.
• Being able to commit to ensuring that my needs are met begins with changing my role in my home.
• Women are taught to be caregivers and men are taught to be conquerers and this expectation can be reversed.
• People who truly love me want me to be happy too and would never ignore my needs.
• I have to be the one who recognizes and walks in my strength and ability to express what I want and require others to respect it too. No one will do it for me.

After I recognized these truths it took some time for me to implement them into my life. I will be honest, it was much easier to enact my new principles with men I didn’t know versus my male family members and my male children because I had fashioned myself as a caregiver with them and our roles had been defined for years. Sometimes I still stumble a bit when one of my male family members grumble about a standard I have set or a request I have made but I stand my ground, even though I feel shaky, and walk away when I do not feel as though my wishes are being respected.

Believe it or not, men do not prosper when women allow them to do what they want when they want. Men need parameters. Men need to know that you know what is best for you and the only way you can demonstrate this is by not waivering when you make a request or allowing them to change your mind with their objections. When you allow any man in your life, whether it’s your children, your father, brother or partner, to change your mind just because they object, you are telling them that you do not know how to lead yourself and you need their help.

You don’t need their help to lead yourself. 

You only change your mind because whatever it is you are requesting isn’t that important to you in the first place and it won’t hurt to allow them to have their way. It doesn’t hurt you to allow them to have their way but it hurts them.

This world will not give them their way all of the time and they need to learn to respect the word NO and the desires of others, especially women. Giving them the desires of their heart every time they ask even if it bothers you to do it only teaches them to expect the same from others which will not work in the real world because they will be consistently disappointed when they do not get the same result from others.

This concept will take some time to learn to implement but you can start by practicing this important rule.

NO is a trigger word.

When you tell a man NO, it should trigger you that after you say this word your desire MUST be respected. If a man counters you when you say NO, it should trigger you to shut down, walk away or end the conversation.

• If a man approaches you to introduce himself and you say No Thank you and he continues to speak, you don’t have to be polite, walk away.
• If your child asks you for money for something and you don’t think they should have it and they plead their case, tell them to leave the room immediately because you already said No.
• If a man wants to touch you and you are not feeling it and you say NO and he continues because he IS feeling it, get up and walk away.

NO means NO. Any explanations or pleading that happens after you say the word NO is an immediate sign of disrespect. You know what is best for you and no one else should be able to convince you otherwise.

If you try this concept and it feels difficult to you, don’t beat yourself up about it, it takes practice. You didn’t grow into the woman that you are in one night and your transition into the woman that you want to be should be treated with patience. I still don’t get this right 100% of the time but I am much better than I used to be and you can start the same journey TODAY!

If you need support during the transition to your strength, join the Loving FLR Leadership Coaching Program for Women and I will help you by reminding you of your strength, offering you personalized words of wisdom for your specific goals and challenging you to practice what I teach. I understand what you are going through because I had to grow my own strength in the same way.

Here’s a brief testimonial from one of my former Coaching students:

After you gave me my personal challenge of being a Goddess in every situation I found myself walking with my head held high, expecting men to meet my needs and even standing up for other women when I saw that they were not being treated with respect. I was shocked by what I did and what I said, even correcting the delivery man when he made a joke that I didn’t find to be respectful. I didn’t know I had it in me. Thank you for this personal challenge. I can see myself growing because of you. Thank you so much! ~S

Gain clarity about what is holding you back from being the strong woman you want to be. Get support for growing your strength. Practice your power with someone you can trust. Learn how to LOVE being a Powerful Woman. Join the Loving FLR Leadership Coaching Program for Women TODAY!

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